A Synonym for "Triggered"

And How I Know I am Healing

This week I had a colonoscopy. I get scopes, scans and tests fairly regularly as a part of continued screening after stage 3 colorectal cancer.

I am happy to report that it did not upset me at all. I enjoyed the day of prep as much as I could. I lay about, drank ginger ale with crushed ice, and read books all day while my body did what it had to do. The next morning, I got up, showered, went to the hospital, had cheery exchanges with the amazing nurses, doctor and respiratory therapist, had a pleasant snooze during the procedure, and came home again after hearing some good news (one small polyp removed, back again next year). Other than a couple of days of abdominal discomfort, all was well.

I went through this experience in a state of calm. While answering the intake questions and getting my IV placed, I took deep breaths and noticed the way my hands felt on the armrests of the chair, grounding myself. As I waited to be taken to the procedure room, I watched the medical staff go about their day. I felt so grateful for them.

In the days since, I have frequently checked in with myself to see how I am feeling. My body is calm and my thoughts are online. I can think, plan, and interact with my family and friends.

I can safely say I have not been diverted to Cancerland.

At this moment, three days out from a medical procedure which would have sent me mentally into the dark fear space just months ago, both feet are in the present. The dark fear space is mostly in the past. I am here.

There have been many times in the past five years where I was exposed to something that reminded me (consciously or unconsciously) of my cancer experience, and I went offline. Shut down.

Because I have been recovering from PTSD symptoms and I am also a counselling therapist, I am incredibly tired of the word “triggered.” So I have developed a number of synonyms. Here I would like to introduce one of them: Tripped.

“Tripped” as in circuit overload followed by darkness. 

So often in the years since my cancer experience, my circuits were overloaded with primordial fear, my breaker was tripped, and my system went dark. This is the HYPO-arousal state of the over-stressed nervous system. The antelope limp in the lion’s jaws.

Prolonged exposure to cancer topics, medical tests, and a hundred other little reminders (like the smell of the hospital or a certain pair of slippers) could trip my breaker. When I am tripped I develop extra body aches and pains, lose energy, feel extremely down, and have trouble focusing and remembering things. I go on auto pilot. I isolate myself.

Last year, I did an interview about my cancer experience on a radio health show and I was tripped. I spent a week feeling physically and emotionally downtrodden after it was over. I could barely function and took to my bed with a heating pad. It took me a couple of days to piece it together.

The intricate emotional and psychological wiring that keeps my figurative lightbulb in working order tripped, and the house went dark.

(Side note: This is why allies are so important in the world of advocacy. The person with lived experience can develop adverse mental health effects or burnout when they are exposed to reminders of their trauma.)

Figuring out what tripped looked like for me meant bringing awareness to my trauma responses when they were happening. I didn’t always know why I felt so shut down or why I was physically hurting, and it took work to figure out that my body had been brought back to the dark fear space. It took a lot of reflection, grounding, breathing, yoga, writing and therapy to be able to arrive here, three days out from a scope, completely calm - not tripped!

So I am celebrating! This is not to say that I will never be tripped again, but I know that if I can recognize it and talk about it, I can handle it.

Did you know that if you click the heart at the bottom of this email it will help me know you enjoyed my post? This heart-rock popped out at me in the woods today. I am leaving it here for you :)